Attachment Theory v. Attachment Parenting: Understanding the Difference
An Overview
Attachment theory and attachment parenting are often used interchangeably, but they refer to two distinct concepts with unique origins and applications. Both share a common focus of fostering secure relationships. Let’s dive into the differences between the two, and explore how each concept shapes our understanding of relationships.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory was developed in the 50's by Dr. John Bowlby, with contributions from Mary Ainsworth’s research on maternal bonding. This psychological model describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans and focuses on the ways early attachment experiences between a child and their caregiver influence the lifelong development of social, emotional, and cognitive function.The core ideais that a secure attachment provides a foundation for mental health, emotional resilience, and healthy relationships throughout life.
Developing a secure attachment depends on caregiving that is responsive and sensitive to a child’s emotional and physical needs. Consistency of caregiving helps a child to develop a sense of safety and trust. Through the attachments, children form “internal working models” of frameworks that guide their perceptions of self, others, and relationships.
The Strange Situation study, developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, is a landmark experiment used to identify attachment styles in infants. In this study, babies around one year old were introduced to a new environment with their caregiver and exposed to a series of separations and reunions, along with the presence of a stranger. Ainsworth observed how children responded to their caregiver's absence and return, noting behaviors like crying, exploration, and comfort-seeking. Through this study, Ainsworth identified distinct patterns of behavior that reflected different attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and later, disorganized. The study demonstrated how attachment behaviors are formed in early childhood and highlighted the role of a caregiver’s responsiveness in shaping a child’s emotional security and attachment style, findings that remain foundational to attachment theory and our understanding of early childhood relationships.
What Is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting is a parenting philosophy introduced by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears in the 1990s and ismore prescriptive or behavior specific than Attachment Theory. The Sears advocated for specific parenting practices to develop a close and nurturing bond with one’s child.
A few key tenants of attachment parenting:
Proximity and Responsiveness: Attachment parenting recommends physical closeness with practices like baby-wearing and co-sleeping.
Nursing: Nursing on demand is suggested to help the baby feel nurtured and connected to the mother.
Gentle Discipline: Empathetic and validating responses are encouraged to promote cooperation.
Responsive Parenting: Flexibility and responsiveness that are individual to needs of each child is considered beneficial to the child.
A Quick Comparison
Key Differences Between Attachment Theory and Attachment Parenting
Foundational Goal vs. Parenting Method:
Attachment Theory is a psychological model that seeks to explain how secure attachments form, why they matter, and how they influence an individual’s life.
Attachment Parenting, however, is a method that provides practical guidance on how to create a nurturing bond. It offers advice on actions that parents can take to strengthen their connection with their child.
Research-Backed Framework vs. Philosophy with Practices:
Attachment theory has a robust research foundation in developmental psychology. Studies have validated its concepts, showing that secure attachment impacts lifelong emotional and social well-being.
Attachment parenting, though inspired by attachment theory principles, doesn’t have the same empirical backing for each specific practice. It’s more of a philosophy advocating certain practices that may work differently for different families.
Flexibility and Adaptation:
Attachment theory allows for adaptation to each child’s unique needs and doesn’t prescribe specific practices. A secure attachment can form in many different family structures and parenting approaches, provided the caregiver is attuned and responsive.
Attachment parenting can sometimes be perceived as more rigid, emphasizing specific practices like co-sleeping or baby-wearing. While it encourages flexibility, some parents may feel pressured to adhere strictly to its recommendations.
Cultural Relevance and Applicability:
Attachment theory applies universally, transcending specific cultural practices as it focuses on the emotional connection rather than specific actions.
Attachment parenting’s practices may not resonate across all cultural contexts, where customs around sleep, feeding, and discipline may vary widely.
Consistency Not Perfection
Creating a secure attachment is not about being a "perfect" parent or caregiver; it’s about being consistently responsive, emotionally available, and attuned to a child’s needs over time. Perfection is an unrealistic standard, as all caregivers face moments of stress, distraction, or fatigue that may temporarily affect their responsiveness. What truly matters for secure attachment is the overall pattern of caregiving, where the child experiences that their caregiver will reliably provide comfort, support, and attention, even if not every response is flawless.
Research shows that children don’t need a perfect response to every need or distress signal but rather a "good enough" caregiver who is present, attentive, and committed to reconnecting after disruptions. Repairing moments of disconnect, like soothing after a miscommunication or explaining a situation after an emotional response, can actually strengthen the bond by teaching the child resilience and reinforcing the caregiver’s trustworthiness. This process of consistent, caring connection helps a child develop a secure attachment, forming a foundation of confidence, emotional regulation, and trust, which is ultimately far more impactful than achieving perfection in every interaction.
Personal Reflection
I view motherhood as a journey of discovery and development. When considering Attachment Theory of mind and Attachment Parenting of action, I think of the inner freedom that can occur when thought, feeling, and action are aligned. One of my all-time favorite stories, The Wizard of Oz, rich in symbolism illustrates this beautifully. The Know Thyselfpodcast, hosted by Daniel Pawenksi and Eduardo Manteca, offers an extensive evaluation of this story in one of their episodes. In short, Dorothy takes the universal journey of the soul. Through a force of nature, she enters a new, unknown realm filled with magic and color. On her journey she will be asked to align the thinking mind (scarecrow), feeling heart (tin man), and her courage or action (lion) in order to face her darkness (the wicked witch) and “return” home. Dorothy’s journey of the soul is much the same as the journey of the mother. After the natural force of birth, we enter a beautiful new realm and begin the challenging journey home, back to our Truest Selves. We are called to align our minds, hearts, and actions through internal clarity so that we may overcome the darkness of our ignorance and return to our True Self. Glinda, the character representing the Divine Feminine, reminds Dorothy, “Home is a place we all must find, my child. It’s not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home, anywhere.”
From a broader Vedic view, there is great harmony when we align thought, speech, and action with the universal order. On the macro level, perhaps we can consider the conflict that exists when we do not align with natural order of the universe. On the micro level of our own lives, we can see the conflict of forcing an action that does not align with thought and feeling, and we can see the conflict of forcing a thought and feeling that does not align with our actions. There is a beautiful harmony that can exists when we consider the interconnected nature of all aspects of being.
Kelly Van Zandt, author Powerful Postpartum and Your Baby Your Guru
www.kellyvanzandt.com